Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Somedays I feel like trying.

Some days I feel like trying. Pulling my act together and really doing something. I think a lot of my ambition is based on caffeine intake or testosterone treatment, maybe even vitamin D (maybe a good BM too). I think to partake in trying or going for it, you first have to find worth in what your going for. As it stands in my own head, finding worth in anything is a tough task. Everything does pass. Even the most accomplished and respected achievers are either rotting bones, or they will be. A good solid relationship will always end too. Those of you in love, please realize that. ;)

What makes others care, especially here? Right now I'm still focused on basic selfish needs. These needs are paying rent and eating and having a warm comfortable bed. Those are huge things for me. Aside from this I'm just striving to be entertained. Playing music is good and beneficial. Maybe that's something I care about. I really don't want to invite anymore complexity/drama in my life.

I think if I was fighting for something, even my own life, I'd be a lot more motivated and positive. I found myself seeing value in things when I was rehabilitating. I wouldn't be surprised, I'm sure it's already been discovered, that people who have less are more positive. (Not that I have a lot)

Our grandparents, while they weren't all that positive, seemed more motivated than I am now. They had a lot less and a lot more to work towards. What should I do? Buy a house and be enslaved to that structure until I die. Would that make me happier? Should I seek out some poor soul to breed with? Would that make me happier?

I don't feel a strong pull towards any of that.

<<Now that I'm reading this I've noticed my last blog (if anyone read) was death related, and this post is dark too - I blame this on the holiday season. This horrible holiday season. I think you're insane if you find joy in this time of year.>>

I kind of wish I was home right now so I can find a good bed to sleep on for 48 hours. Sleeping is a really good thing. Please excuse this if it sounds like the rant of a high school girl. I assure this is how I'm feeling now. Dainty Bones has spoken.

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