Tuesday, December 27, 2011

This is why you were hesitant. (self affirmations on government)

The signs were on the wall since day one. You knew something was up but you couldn't put your finger on it. It was a vibe they put out, the secrecy of everything, if you will. You knew not to ask anything and be polite, but in the end, cover-ups are unsustainable.

You spent weeks and months agonizing over things you weren't sure you should do.

The pain of indecision lasts a long time and at times it can question your manhood. But the little voice was right, your "other" head was wrong. (The "other" head is happy and safer, that "he" is not in control). It's okay to have feelings. Alan Alda has feelings and he's a great man. Okay, maybe he is kind of a pussy. But the point is your intuition has always been correct and only now you're seeing that it's verified.

Now that you know the truth quit wasting time thinking about it and messing with it and trying to accomplish the impossible. You always knew nothing positive would ever come of it, for the most part. That's harsh, there were good things. But they must be forgotten for now. For now they must be despised.

That damn government. That damn monopoly of force!


Sunday, December 11, 2011

2011: In Review

2011 started with a bang as our house threw a pretty crazy New Year's Party. Brother JT even attended. Our original plans were to take a train to Montreal for the New Years but people started backing out, so the party had a slightly Montreal theme. One guest brought fries and gravy, a Montreal staple (I forgot what they call it up there in Francais).

A close friend got pretty seriously sick but she pulled through. Another positive sign of constant regeneration that our bodies are capable of. She's pretty close to normal from what we can see. Well, she was never normal in the first place. She's reclaimed her authoritarianism. Short people tend to do that.

Around early spring I decided to venture out of Kutztown and hit up the Lehigh Valley more often for weekend socializing. These nights turned into good escapes and was a good way to see different faces. Many of those faces aren't so new anymore and I'm still going back there, but not as regularly. Last weekend was a reminder of those good times at the Your Welcome Inn - first friday - Dance Party.

Most of the early summer wasn't too eventful. I dug myself little holes doing little things that weren't so wise but fun/relaxing at the time. Later on, in July through September, it became interesting though, at least on Saturdays, for a couple months. Met up with an interesting and strange soul who came in as quickly as she went. Lots of silliness and laughs and fucked up (in the best way possible) conversations were had. Thoughts of hurricanes, Long Island, Wickoff St., Radio Flyer, and gyros will always have a warm place in my heart. It's tough to find peeps like that these days. I smile on those times.

The band finally finished our 6 song EP. It turned out good. An old college buddy did a swell job on the cover design. Sadly, the band lost one of its founding member, a week later, Mr. Andrew Macfarlane. This was probably the saddest news I heard all year. Macfarlane can attest to my behaviour when he dropped the bomb on me. It was worse than getting dumped. His vibe and approach are not easily replaced. But his contributions helped shape the sound of the band. Subtle yet strong.

The biggest change during this year is that I moved out and am now living alone on Main St. It's almost like a throwback to 2001, in many ways. In many ways it's not. I'm on the third floor this time and up the street about a block, same side. I have a nice view of everything from my desk that I'm typing at now. The decision to move was impulsive. Right now I think it was a good choice. I haven't been to the bar in a week (I've been sick), but, my drinking has gone down. I rarely drink at home, I have 6 Yuenglings sitting in my fridge now, that will probably be there for whenever someone comes over.

This about sums up my year. Another one down, hopefully, not many more to go. As I look ahead to 2012, we have a Paris-London trip planned early in January. We'll see what happens next.

Friday, December 2, 2011

On Returning to the Game

I'm returning to the game. The first mistake is even discussing the game. I've already blown the game with the few that have read this.

Here we go.

All that this means is that it's really just time to grow up and get out there and cast all forms of genuine heartfelt emotion towards those of the opposite sex to the wayside. Manipulation and objectification is the name of the game. It's not what I was taught or how I was raised by my family - it's just the current reality of the scene and those in it. Of course, those who object to manipulation and objectification are also the greatest causes of it, and practice it themselves regularly. But that's neither here nor there. In the end it is all about self, instant gratification and living in the moment. Holding on to things has proven to be a draining exercise.

So, f### all that Alan Alda style emotion, whining and caring. Having grown up hearing that this is how to be has been a total lie. I'm moving towards the superficial. Honesty and openness just leaves a man vulnerable to exploitation. Honesty and openness will never win "the game."

Cremation of care.