Monday, January 23, 2012

New Year's Resolution.

I don't really have a resolution as I think they are kind of a waste of time. I don't like writing lists of things to follow. I don't like lists and agendas. I don't understand how people can operate with lists and objectives on a consistent basis and be happy. I guess it's all about being trained. Having said I do have some things I'd like to keep in mind in this upcoming year. I won't hold myself to these strictly. I won't lose sleep over them. But adhering to these concepts would probably lead to a happier and more productive 2012.

The first thing to do is to make sure that I surround myself around positive people. I've been blessed by accident I think, to already be doing so in this town I live in, and outside of town. I guess it'd be more accurate to say avoid dark people who drain energy. In the past I've been drawn to the negative as it appears more interesting than the good. It's always a no-win situation though. You always leave worse than  you began. Positive people, like the people in the band, and around town, always build you up make you stronger. This is all common sense, but sometimes it needs to be reiterated.

Secondly, I need to recommit to a healthful lifestyle, without compromising my need for a good times and individual liberty. I'm getting older. I bought vitamins (SAM-E, D (5000 IU's), and IRON) today. I need to get back to the Cod Liver (Carlson's) routine, as well as juicing. I've noticed mood changes before when I did that stuff not to mention my "performances" were longer (fyi). Taking up swimming would be great too. I'm not fit to do much physically right now. It's really quite sad.

Another thing I should do is get a somewhat steady side-job. Another source of income. Money is a good thing and I really need more of it if I'm to eventually build a cargo container home somewhere. I waste a lot of hours in the day. This needs to stop.

Finally, I must remain self-interested. With an understanding that I'm the only one that can provide true happiness and fulfillment for myself. I need to quiet any harmful desire of companionship and family. Physical exchanges need to remain unattached and cold. Vulnerability leads to weakness. Weakness will drain energy. Keep it light. Try different things. Playing music, writing songs, drawing, following politics, learning about Austrian Economics (for now) keep me content.

I can't believe I just made a list. It must be the 10,000 IU's of Vitamin D I took and the Iron...someone hold me accountable to this shit...and don't mock me if you see me in an alley, off the wagon, violating everyone of these approaches. I fail a lot.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Testosterone Bump

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with low-mid range testosterone levels. My doctor told me and I laughed as a defense mechanism for him essentially telling I could stand to be more manly (which I/we knew all along). It helped explain a lot. Lack of confidence, borderline depression, lack of sex drive, and overall apathy and passiveness to the world around me were all symptoms of low T.

So over the last couple years when I take the stuff regularly, I do notice a more than subtle impact on my approach to things. The first thing is that I become positive and more aggressive, like I can get stuff done (slightly like coke). The stuff makes me happy and ready to go.

The other big side effect is that I feel the need to run more game in bar room settings. It's no longer a defeatist attitude. I can remember one drunken night at a local establishment dancing closely, maybe too closely to a female friend. She remained cool but I would suspect if it were most other people I would've been slapped or thrown out of the place. To her credit, she laughed and played along. She was drunk too. There are very incriminating photos of this experience which almost resembles porn with close on. I blame my behavior on the testosterone and booze. To see the facial expressions are priceless.

It's a weird chemical. I think all chemicals that affect behaviour are weird but this one in particularly has a strange power and I've felt the difference first hand. Sometimes I slack off in my treatment, which by the way comes in a gel that gives off an appealing scent. A girl at the workplace once asked me what that smell was and she seemed pretty intense about finding the answer. She practically said she wanted it. "It" being the smell. I denied it was me and left the room. I was later found to be the guilty party which lead to laughs, I kept denying.

If you do happen to be in your mid 30's or so, get tested to see if you are lacking, while the treatment is expensive, if your insurance covers it, you will notice immediate results. Let it be known.


Monday, January 2, 2012

2012 ->

~I hope today wasn't an indicator of how the rest of the year will go. I tend to believe that the remaining shit from 2011 didn't quite make its way fully out. A lot of poop gets backed up northeast of here, but once it's fully out, more progress can get done.~

+It began at 4pm.

+The 4pm football game was kind of shitty.  Our running back got injured.

+I eventually got mediocre chinese food. (Oh wait, there's cheese cake in the fridge!)

+Put on Porky's, then dozed off.

+Woke up to an annoying phone call.

+The highlight was a few drinks at the local bar. It wasn't too crowded. I felt at home.