Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Honest vs Open/Honest and Open

It's finally dawned on me that there is a difference between being honest and being open. Being honest doesn't mean that you tell everyone about your business (whether you're at the bar or writing a blog). Being open means you talk way too much about your own shit (maybe cause you're a narcissist), or maybe you just like attention and try to shock people. You haven't grown up yet.

Unfortunately I fall into both categories and I think I always have. Secrecy is too much work and too much discipline. Lying is too much work and requires more brain power than telling the truth. You also need a good poker face to tell lies. Since I wear every god damned expression on my face I've been a horrible liar, except in severe situations. I've also had this feeling that if I hide my negative qualities with someone, like in a dating situation, than I'm giving someone a false impression. Sometimes I go overboard on the negative stuff though and this can be misdiagnosed as having a low self-image (which I probably have too).

Open and honest people can be very interesting to talk to, from the receiving end, if they are interesting people. On other occasions it can be depressing and a waste of time if they've had a boring or sad life. Crazy people can be very entertaining to talk to if they are open and honest though sometimes their stories are hard to believe.

Other people are selectively open and honest. Okay, maybe everyone is to some degree. This can be for various reasons. Reasons I won't discuss now but feel free to comment on below. This might be the scariest bunch. If some people are open and honest about weird shit, then secretive about other stuffs, it could lead others' minds to wander. I try to watch out for these people, and keep a distance, in most cases, but sometimes it can be hard if they have an interesting hair cut.

Ultimately it's always good to be honest with everyone but be careful of the information you share unless you're drunk or having a pillow talk discussions. Really make sure you know the person you're opening up to. For me it's tempting, because I haven't fully matured yet, to try to shock people right away. In most cases that's not good and I'm trying to work against that vibe and just be civil.

People will always respect someone who is honest but they might tell someone who is too open to shut the fuck up. Take heed of these words.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


It's clear and obvious we want what we can't have or think we can't have. Of course when we get such things (if that happens), even they tend to get old. I really wish things weren't like that. It makes me sad.

A way to remedy such situations is to simply not want anything. This goes against human nature though. Fighting human nature is worse than wanting something you can't or aren't supposed to have. For obsessives, like me, the challenge to not want and not hyper-focus on something is extremely hard. This leads to a lot of wasted energy and thinking and pacing around, not to mention heavy breathing. They make medication to help this problem but I refuse to take it.

What's worse than that is we generally desire things that are the worst for us. Why is this? I think everyone is like this. The wise souls are able to keep that in check and use their brains. Those driven by emotion fail and fall by the wayside making asses of themselves in bar room situations. They aren't bad people, they convince themselves of delusions. They aren't in reality nor do they want to be. That would be boring to them.

The above mentioned then leads to internal psychological drama. We play the dramas out in our heads. We invent scenarios based on a few words or actions spoken. The mind races. We build our whole approach on things that could go either way. We try to be rational about it but that would kill the mental chaos. That would leave us to do more productive and beneficial things for our own well being. Instead we choose to drain ourselves.

Alcohol and other substances sometime help the situation for the time being. Friends and projects have and always will be the best cure. Getting wrapped up into something, whether it's writing a shitty half assed blog or by forming a band and setting up gigs - these little things can work as helpful little obsessions that actually produce something and in a tiny way entertain the few that read or listen. Painting and drawing are good options too.

Between obsessing and apathy I'm going to go with obsessing.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Main St.

I moved back to Main St. in this small college town I've been living in for almost half of my life. When I graduated from university, I had a place on Main St. by myself. I did that for a few years then moved in with friends. I've lived with people (including my younger bro) for the last eight years. A lot memories were had at these places but it came time to go solo again.

My decision to move was impulsive. It was made rather quickly and based on feelings (not always wise). I was in a pretty weird mindset (which I won't get into, but it was strong) and I started looking at things, and my life. That's pretty scary sometimes, you should try it. Something needed to be done. There was a nice place available, so I jumped on it. If you've read my posts maybe you've observed that I'm selfish and self-absorbed. I think that also played a part in my choice. I think what I'm trying to do is take more control of things. Sadly, we're all getting older, things change (I've also grown a nice beard - and opted for straighter locks), and we will eventually get old and die. Changes in scenery are, most of the time, beneficial.

I will miss sharing a house with the guys. They probably won't miss the messes I've created in the kitchen, etc. There is something, almost family like, about living with folks (at least for me). I don't think I'll be able to accumulate the stories and the hi jinx we all racked through the last eight years. The parties, gatherings, breakfasts, beers, constant redundant poop and sodomy jokes, cook outs, the burps and giggles from down the hall have all ended for me.

In exchange I'll be getting the late night sounds of drunken college kids (hopefully some tramps will be in the mix), the ability to walk around my place naked (which is all I ever wanted), and the traffic below. There is something kind of nice about laying in a big warm bed and hearing traffic outside. It could be nice.

The responsibilities of taking care of ALL of my own bills and rent are no upon me. Back to reality.

I'd like to thank those who have shared a space with me over those years and put up with my antics, quirks, redundancy, laziness, and messiness. There could've been a lot more complaining about some of the slop I left in the kitchen but for the most part you kept your cool (save Tweet - RIP). A special thanks also goes to those who helped me move, in literally less than 2 hours. That was amazing. Things may go up or down from here. I have no idea which way they will go. Life is hard (and unpredictable).

Bless n keep,