Okay, maybe I said them once to someone years ago, we won't speak of. Maybe I did. I can't remember and I was probably under the influence (probably covered in body sweat), it was late, and it was dark. If it happened. And I probably shouldn't have said that at that time. And, I did in fact end up taking them back, a couple years afterwards. Maybe for that brief instant I meant it, but at that I time I didn't seem to have control or understanding of what was going on. They were just words.
The point is, I have a block. Something won't allow me to speak them. I'm mid thirties and it's still literally painful for me to try to say them. Can't bring myself to it. I'm not even talking about romantic bullshit because I've successfully avoided that for years. I'm just talking about expressing that genuinely to people who have been tolerant enough to be around me, support me, and take care of me. It's no easy task and all of them have been graceful.
Understandably, most people don't want to hear it cause it makes everything weird and serious but it's probably the best thing you can tell someone. I don't like hearing those words being thrown at me. But there are people I literally owe those words too. And every time I get a chance I can't. I can say "thank you" quite easily, but that doesn't compare.
I need to get over this obstacle. I have a fear eventually some of these people will die not knowing my feelings. I need to force myself out of the comfort zone. Before it's too late.