What I used to joke about, about myself, has become kind of depressing. I never really took my self involvement seriously. I thought I was just acting and entertaining others. Narcissism is funny after all.
Well, it seems like all that joking has turned into reality. At thirty-six years old, being single 99.2% of the time, life takes its toll and you become set in your ways. And I'm set in my ways. I thoroughly despise any notion of having any kind of partner, which is good in that I don't think there's a whole lot looking to pair up with me anyway. Years of self programming have worked. The jokes about enjoying my big bed to myself have turned out to be really quite true. I'd rather check my Facebook interactions that converse with a live body in the middle of the night. I'd rather look at my own photos then of others. No joke. This isn't me trying to be annoyingly shocking or funny as usual.
The advantage is, you know yourself well, and you know what you want. That's about it. There is no future with anyone because anyone will get old and could never measure up. Doesn't matter who it is. What matters are my own thoughts and opinions, and projects if I get ambitious. Sure I'll nod and seem like I'm listening, but I'm really not. I'm thinking about a new song, or how certain profile pic will be received. I'm not joking.
Yes, this all sounds hilarious, and maybe sick. The full realization of this has made me quite sad, if not sickened because at it's core it's pure emptiness. Again, to my credit, at least I'm honest, and not trying to put anything over on anyone. I'm always upfront about who I am. And who I am is really just quite a selfish human being.
Can this be fixed?
I don't know, I've thought about volunteering some places. I have so much time I should myself to do, something that makes me feel good about myself. Until then, I'll continue to self entertain. I'm good at it!