Thursday, May 24, 2012

Selfishness and Misery

My existence has been built on two things, selfishness and misery. I really can't remember life without them. I've always wanted my own stuff and I thought sharing was kind of weird. I've dealt with some kind of physical or emotional pain (mostly physical) for as long as I can remember. Both have worked together to make me the strong American male that I am today.

Here's how it started.

Christmas turned me into a greedy kid that wanted things that weren't affordable. I never wanted to share my food with my family (who bought the food). If the group or family wanted to do something, I would most likely complain or do something on my own. I never liked getting my hands dirty. That was for the others. A lot of bitching and whining went on in those early years.

The virtue of selfishness/self interest carried into adulthood. Ninety percent of the time I eat alone but I eat at places where I want to eat. I still hate compromising with people on restaurants. When eating alone you don't have to worry about sharing and I can make a pig of myself without caring who sees me. I can eat a lot, and I can eat fast.

If you know me, you know I'll talk about myself a lot. The only time I won't talk about myself is in the rare case someone more interesting is talking to me, OR, if I'm trying to run game on some chick with a low self-esteem. Yes, I may be quiet and polite while you're talking, but most of the time I'm thinking about my own cool shit that I got going on (unless someone's slipped me an "Ada-boy").

Selfishness can, I think often, evolve into an instant gratification mindset. And, well, this is what's happened to me. Sorry. I won't get into details, but I've made many decisions based on that approach. I can't say I regret any of them. My close friends know what I speak of.

I don't buy presents for anyone. That would mean less money for me, and less money for me to spend on myself in order to feel good.

I'm selfish, yes, and what's worse is, I'm an attention whore. It's why I "sing" in a band. Having people focus on the band, which people are most likely focusing on the great musicians in the band and not me, is the best feeling ever. I've convinced myself the crowd is focusing on me though, that's how sick and deluded I am. Hearing clapping after each song just feeds the ego. We've held the attention of some decent bar sized crowds.

To go with this selfishness, the Lord handed me chronic physical pain to last a lifetime. Nothing like repetitive sharp bone pain to really impact a boy's life. I learned about the wonders of pain pills and occasional opiates since about third or forth grade. This ended a promising basketball and baseball career and has blessed with a funky look tibia from all the surgeries (this is why you will never see me in shorts-unless I'm banging you-don't hold your breath).

I still deal with this. In the scheme of things, I'm blessed to be dealing with this, as others have far worse shit than I have, but, since I'm selfish, as proven in the above paragraphs,so I will selfishly make my own health situation to be just as bad. You now see how these things go hand in hand. It's all part of it.

Aside from the pain in the lower leg, which is under control, I now have hip arthritis due to the bad bones I have. Woe is me. I have the brain of child and the body of an old man. It's why I walk funny. Most of this pain is under control due to BIG PHARMA, but I will have occasional sleepless nights if I forget to take meds. Meds that will eventually lead to digestive problems, if I don't have them now.

A great thing about both the selfishness and the pain is that they can both be masked. The selfishness by politeness, a soft voice, and a timid attitude. As bad as some make out the selfish vibe to be, it's far better than those who think they know what's best for you. A selfish man/woman cares only about self, and wants little to do with others, unless it could be of some benefit.

Pain can be hidden through good strong anti-inflammatory medication (with side effects) and other types of pills. If it gets really bad, one can just themselves away so no one has to see them go through the physical pain. I used to prefer to suffer alone, go into another room, and not have others see that shit. Like the shape of my lower leg, no one should have to see another person suffer (unless they are causing that person to suffer).

We'll get to emotional pain some other time.

<<This may be one of the most f#ckd blogs I've ever written. I hope it f#cked you up.>>

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