Losing it.

I'm not sure where this one will go, or if it'll even be published, but this is I'm thinking about this morning. Obviously there are varying degrees of losing it and I would contend that I've never lost it in the most serious way. Though I will say I've had some pretty interesting experiences where I felt like I would snap. And, maybe I have snapped. I think much of the pressure comes from keeping things inside and maybe it's the reason I say so much either in here or at the bar. I've always felt relieved and much better letting things out. And you probably thought I did such things because I was still a child looking for attention. The truth is, there is a therapeutic and freeing feeling when you just come out with everything.

Losing it is always an anxiety issue. There's pressure, real or imagined. Could be work or school, I've had them both, and have responded differently and drastically in both situations. You'll probably have a crippling obsession about something you did wrong, or ignored to do. It's so paralyzing that you can't bring yourself to confront or correct the mistake. All that your brain can do is focus on the negative and how f#cked everything will be when it comes to light. It's a pretty ugly cycle.

Drinking and drugs will temporarily ease that pain for a short while. Completely putting it in the back of your mind might work for awhile too. But these things never cure anything and it will get worse and build up when you get back to it. You'll either decide to confront the issue or do exactly the opposite and take a "who the fuck cares" attitude. This can be liberating but it can also lead to problems, if that pressure you're under is real and will have very serious consequences.

In my situations, I'd say most of the time, and this probably goes for a lot of people, that the pressure that I was under was built up in my head far greater than reality. Sometimes stresses and worries about one thing can spill over to another aspect. For instance blowing something off at work can lead to stress about unpaid bills which may have you worrying about the cops showing up at your door or that you have cancer. It all builds and I've been there.

I guess can you can remain fucked up (which sick people can't help) or you can see life for what it is, a short meaningless endeavor, where few things really matter. You can work to eliminate as much responsible in your life as is possible and that's what I've chosen to do.