Weird Kid

I was a weird kid. I was pretty skinny. I stopped enjoying tackle football at about 5th grade 'cause it hurt. I never slept that well due to physical pain.

Around the mid-80's I got obsessed with style. I would nag my parents to buy me overpriced Polo shirts. My mom caved in and got me a couple. I wore polo shirts and knit ties and felt cool. I listened to Wham, PowerStation, Duran Duran and others. This was a very shallow time for everyone involved. I loved it.

Me and my best buddy started a brief synth-pop with his keyboard. Everyone had a keyboard back then. The band lasted 2 sessions. We'd record our songs and play them in reverse. Art spaces and basements would be probably eatin' that shit up.

We also almost blew up our house one late night while trying to cook. It was a gas stove and we were clueless.

A lot of us were altar boys. The priests were weird. They were supposed to be our role models. For a while they were. Then those scandals came out and some of them were spotted in the neighborhood gay bars. Looking back, that whole thing is pretty whacked out. But when you're a kid, and you're told this is what your supposed to do, sometimes you go along with it.

Speaking of gay bars, me and friends in grade school were quite intrigued by the local one called the "Tender Trap." One summer afternoon we went down to scope it out and saw a child leaving it. We asked him if it was the "Tender Trap." He said yes. We were freaked out.

I got thrown out of the gym (near the "Tender Trap") once during a girls basketball game, for raising too much hell. I turned the light off on the coach as he going in the bathroom to bust my friends. He grabbed me by the shirt and threw me out. I was a martyr that night for the kids.

The best times were playing wiffle ball, basketball or pick-up football. It was always better if a I fight ensued over a call. I was always the voice of reason in these matters and I was also the best quarterback, especially on the run. Ocasionally I could return a kickoff. I never had the speed but I had head fakes and juke moves to get me free in the open field. Years of neglect and and eventual serious leg break has tragically ended my career in parking lot football and basketball, I haven't given up on wiffle ball yet. I hope I've been back what these games have given to me.

Because of certain outside influences, I think I grew up quite sexist. Chauvinism seemed to come natural to me at quite an early age without giving it any thought. There's something kind of silly about it. Maybe it was me getting back at all the horrible business woman style shit that was going on then (white sneakers and shoulder pads, I just couldn't handle).  Plus it was a good way to get under people's skin. I've always found amusement in shocking or upsetting people.

I convinced a friend I was gay over the phone (I'm a good actor).

I laughed at a girl for having a crush on me in grade school. Well, that is funny isn't it?

I also used to insist the WWF was real to all of my friends to fuck with them. It worked.

My dad said I was always selfish and never wanted to share. This is true too. My uncle bought me popcorn once on a trip downtown and I refused to share it with anyone. And I was proud that I didn't. I used to threaten to stay home on family trips if I didn't get my way.

(what an asshole!)

I'd like to think I've broadened my horizons since then.