It's finally dawned on me that there is a difference between being honest and being open. Being honest doesn't mean that you tell everyone about your business (whether you're at the bar or writing a blog). Being open means you talk way too much about your own shit (maybe cause you're a narcissist), or maybe you just like attention and try to shock people. You haven't grown up yet.
Unfortunately I fall into both categories and I think I always have. Secrecy is too much work and too much discipline. Lying is too much work and requires more brain power than telling the truth. You also need a good poker face to tell lies. Since I wear every god damned expression on my face I've been a horrible liar, except in severe situations. I've also had this feeling that if I hide my negative qualities with someone, like in a dating situation, than I'm giving someone a false impression. Sometimes I go overboard on the negative stuff though and this can be misdiagnosed as having a low self-image (which I probably have too).
Open and honest people can be very interesting to talk to, from the receiving end, if they are interesting people. On other occasions it can be depressing and a waste of time if they've had a boring or sad life. Crazy people can be very entertaining to talk to if they are open and honest though sometimes their stories are hard to believe.
Other people are selectively open and honest. Okay, maybe everyone is to some degree. This can be for various reasons. Reasons I won't discuss now but feel free to comment on below. This might be the scariest bunch. If some people are open and honest about weird shit, then secretive about other stuffs, it could lead others' minds to wander. I try to watch out for these people, and keep a distance, in most cases, but sometimes it can be hard if they have an interesting hair cut.
Ultimately it's always good to be honest with everyone but be careful of the information you share unless you're drunk or having a pillow talk discussions. Really make sure you know the person you're opening up to. For me it's tempting, because I haven't fully matured yet, to try to shock people right away. In most cases that's not good and I'm trying to work against that vibe and just be civil.
People will always respect someone who is honest but they might tell someone who is too open to shut the fuck up. Take heed of these words.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wants.
It's clear and obvious we want what we can't have or think we can't have. Of course when we get such things (if that happens), even they tend to get old. I really wish things weren't like that. It makes me sad.
A way to remedy such situations is to simply not want anything. This goes against human nature though. Fighting human nature is worse than wanting something you can't or aren't supposed to have. For obsessives, like me, the challenge to not want and not hyper-focus on something is extremely hard. This leads to a lot of wasted energy and thinking and pacing around, not to mention heavy breathing. They make medication to help this problem but I refuse to take it.
What's worse than that is we generally desire things that are the worst for us. Why is this? I think everyone is like this. The wise souls are able to keep that in check and use their brains. Those driven by emotion fail and fall by the wayside making asses of themselves in bar room situations. They aren't bad people, they convince themselves of delusions. They aren't in reality nor do they want to be. That would be boring to them.
The above mentioned then leads to internal psychological drama. We play the dramas out in our heads. We invent scenarios based on a few words or actions spoken. The mind races. We build our whole approach on things that could go either way. We try to be rational about it but that would kill the mental chaos. That would leave us to do more productive and beneficial things for our own well being. Instead we choose to drain ourselves.
Alcohol and other substances sometime help the situation for the time being. Friends and projects have and always will be the best cure. Getting wrapped up into something, whether it's writing a shitty half assed blog or by forming a band and setting up gigs - these little things can work as helpful little obsessions that actually produce something and in a tiny way entertain the few that read or listen. Painting and drawing are good options too.
Between obsessing and apathy I'm going to go with obsessing.
+dB+
A way to remedy such situations is to simply not want anything. This goes against human nature though. Fighting human nature is worse than wanting something you can't or aren't supposed to have. For obsessives, like me, the challenge to not want and not hyper-focus on something is extremely hard. This leads to a lot of wasted energy and thinking and pacing around, not to mention heavy breathing. They make medication to help this problem but I refuse to take it.
What's worse than that is we generally desire things that are the worst for us. Why is this? I think everyone is like this. The wise souls are able to keep that in check and use their brains. Those driven by emotion fail and fall by the wayside making asses of themselves in bar room situations. They aren't bad people, they convince themselves of delusions. They aren't in reality nor do they want to be. That would be boring to them.
The above mentioned then leads to internal psychological drama. We play the dramas out in our heads. We invent scenarios based on a few words or actions spoken. The mind races. We build our whole approach on things that could go either way. We try to be rational about it but that would kill the mental chaos. That would leave us to do more productive and beneficial things for our own well being. Instead we choose to drain ourselves.
Alcohol and other substances sometime help the situation for the time being. Friends and projects have and always will be the best cure. Getting wrapped up into something, whether it's writing a shitty half assed blog or by forming a band and setting up gigs - these little things can work as helpful little obsessions that actually produce something and in a tiny way entertain the few that read or listen. Painting and drawing are good options too.
Between obsessing and apathy I'm going to go with obsessing.
+dB+
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Main St.
I moved back to Main St. in this small college town I've been living in for almost half of my life. When I graduated from university, I had a place on Main St. by myself. I did that for a few years then moved in with friends. I've lived with people (including my younger bro) for the last eight years. A lot memories were had at these places but it came time to go solo again.
My decision to move was impulsive. It was made rather quickly and based on feelings (not always wise). I was in a pretty weird mindset (which I won't get into, but it was strong) and I started looking at things, and my life. That's pretty scary sometimes, you should try it. Something needed to be done. There was a nice place available, so I jumped on it. If you've read my posts maybe you've observed that I'm selfish and self-absorbed. I think that also played a part in my choice. I think what I'm trying to do is take more control of things. Sadly, we're all getting older, things change (I've also grown a nice beard - and opted for straighter locks), and we will eventually get old and die. Changes in scenery are, most of the time, beneficial.
I will miss sharing a house with the guys. They probably won't miss the messes I've created in the kitchen, etc. There is something, almost family like, about living with folks (at least for me). I don't think I'll be able to accumulate the stories and the hi jinx we all racked through the last eight years. The parties, gatherings, breakfasts, beers, constant redundant poop and sodomy jokes, cook outs, the burps and giggles from down the hall have all ended for me.
In exchange I'll be getting the late night sounds of drunken college kids (hopefully some tramps will be in the mix), the ability to walk around my place naked (which is all I ever wanted), and the traffic below. There is something kind of nice about laying in a big warm bed and hearing traffic outside. It could be nice.
The responsibilities of taking care of ALL of my own bills and rent are no upon me. Back to reality.
I'd like to thank those who have shared a space with me over those years and put up with my antics, quirks, redundancy, laziness, and messiness. There could've been a lot more complaining about some of the slop I left in the kitchen but for the most part you kept your cool (save Tweet - RIP). A special thanks also goes to those who helped me move, in literally less than 2 hours. That was amazing. Things may go up or down from here. I have no idea which way they will go. Life is hard (and unpredictable).
Bless n keep,
dB.
My decision to move was impulsive. It was made rather quickly and based on feelings (not always wise). I was in a pretty weird mindset (which I won't get into, but it was strong) and I started looking at things, and my life. That's pretty scary sometimes, you should try it. Something needed to be done. There was a nice place available, so I jumped on it. If you've read my posts maybe you've observed that I'm selfish and self-absorbed. I think that also played a part in my choice. I think what I'm trying to do is take more control of things. Sadly, we're all getting older, things change (I've also grown a nice beard - and opted for straighter locks), and we will eventually get old and die. Changes in scenery are, most of the time, beneficial.
I will miss sharing a house with the guys. They probably won't miss the messes I've created in the kitchen, etc. There is something, almost family like, about living with folks (at least for me). I don't think I'll be able to accumulate the stories and the hi jinx we all racked through the last eight years. The parties, gatherings, breakfasts, beers, constant redundant poop and sodomy jokes, cook outs, the burps and giggles from down the hall have all ended for me.
In exchange I'll be getting the late night sounds of drunken college kids (hopefully some tramps will be in the mix), the ability to walk around my place naked (which is all I ever wanted), and the traffic below. There is something kind of nice about laying in a big warm bed and hearing traffic outside. It could be nice.
The responsibilities of taking care of ALL of my own bills and rent are no upon me. Back to reality.
I'd like to thank those who have shared a space with me over those years and put up with my antics, quirks, redundancy, laziness, and messiness. There could've been a lot more complaining about some of the slop I left in the kitchen but for the most part you kept your cool (save Tweet - RIP). A special thanks also goes to those who helped me move, in literally less than 2 hours. That was amazing. Things may go up or down from here. I have no idea which way they will go. Life is hard (and unpredictable).
Bless n keep,
dB.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Being Objective/Guy Talk
I ran into a co-worker today at a major bookstore during break. One of the few guys I work with that I feel I can shoot the shit with and speak my mind. We had some coffees (which I'm feeling right now) and decided to have a conversation about work related issues. It's not uncommon for single males in the workplace to have such discussions and sometimes they lead to talks about girls and who we think is attractive and like to date. This isn't a crime of any kind.
The conversation was neither loud nor obnoxious. The conversation was not disrespectful. It was quite objective and honest. The term "rack" may have come up on occasion, once or twice maybe, but it was far from the main idea of the dialogue. This is a perfectly natural approach. Guys look at certain things and at times discuss them with other guys. I'm quite sorry if any of this is hurtful to anyone. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably the most sensitive guy around (sensitive to my own complex feelings that is). Maybe too much for my own good.
A few booths down was a girl on her notebook computer wearing headphones. She wasn't very far away. I noticed her texting a bit, and sticking around. She didn't seem very happy or very sad. I didn't notice much emotion either way.
We continued talking, me and my co-worker bud, I believe the topic changed to office politics and the corporate environment. The girl a few booths down was packing up. She seemed to be rushing. She stood and took a few steps towards with her bags in hand and said, "excuse me, I overheard your conversation, maybe you guys would be able to pick-up a woman if you didn't see them as objects!"
She left quickly!
Me and my friend looked at each other with surprise and confusion. As she got further away I started to laugh. WTF?
Let's review:
How I would've responded:
There are other issues at play too but I won't get into them as I don't want to stir the pot anymore than I have already today.
Good night.
As always, these are true stories.
The conversation was neither loud nor obnoxious. The conversation was not disrespectful. It was quite objective and honest. The term "rack" may have come up on occasion, once or twice maybe, but it was far from the main idea of the dialogue. This is a perfectly natural approach. Guys look at certain things and at times discuss them with other guys. I'm quite sorry if any of this is hurtful to anyone. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably the most sensitive guy around (sensitive to my own complex feelings that is). Maybe too much for my own good.
A few booths down was a girl on her notebook computer wearing headphones. She wasn't very far away. I noticed her texting a bit, and sticking around. She didn't seem very happy or very sad. I didn't notice much emotion either way.
We continued talking, me and my co-worker bud, I believe the topic changed to office politics and the corporate environment. The girl a few booths down was packing up. She seemed to be rushing. She stood and took a few steps towards with her bags in hand and said, "excuse me, I overheard your conversation, maybe you guys would be able to pick-up a woman if you didn't see them as objects!"
She left quickly!
Me and my friend looked at each other with surprise and confusion. As she got further away I started to laugh. WTF?
Let's review:
- We weren't talking loud.
- There was no juvenile giggling or disrespect towards anyone.
- A majority of our talk had to do with interactions.
- It was a private conversation.
- It was a private conversation that had nothing to do with her.
- It was a private conversation that most folks with penises have with each other.
- It was a private conversation.
How I would've responded:
- Is it any of your fucking business?
- I probably have more female friends than you do.
- Is it any of your fucking business?
- Did you just get dumped?
There are other issues at play too but I won't get into them as I don't want to stir the pot anymore than I have already today.
Good night.
As always, these are true stories.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Hands Off Approach as He Walks into the Bathroom.
I was in the institute's (not total quality) bathroom this morning, doing my ritual, and this summer memory came to mind. It caused some internal laughter, hope it touches you the same way. If not, suck it.
This was around '96 or '97, around the time the Bulls beat the Jazz in the NBA championships, not that the basketball stuff relates to the story about to be shared, but I just thought of it now. We took a road trip out to Colorado. This involved me, my younger bro, and my old man. It was in a silver oldsmobile. There was a lot of subtle provoking, tension from me and bro, and occasional shouts of anger from my old man. Dealing with a 2 day drive (one-way) is enough to handle but we tried to make it worse. If there are two things I excel in, it's pushing buttons and picking an argument. Those things go well with road trips as I found out. I'm quite amazed we weren't dropped off somewhere in between or just shot on the side of the road.
On the return drive, after being on the road for probably around thirty hours (Denver to central Ohio) we pulled off at a rest stop. We were all emotionally warn out (as we always were in the family) but also physically exhausted. We needed a break and a stretch of the legs. All of us had to pee. Of course.
Younger bro walked into the rest stop, quickly and ahead of me, but not far ahead. This was a normal American highway rest stop, very concrete, with bathrooms inside. These bathrooms specified where each gender should go with clearly written signs. One of the signs said "men" and the other said "women". Naturally.
As we got inside I noticed younger bro making a b-line for the Ladies room. We were all tired as stated above and our judgements were clouded. For the record, we were straight-edge (if you're keeping track). He may have been five feet in front of me or less. I looked at the sign. I looked at his back as he was getting closer to the wide opened entrance. My mouth opened to warn him, but the dark voices that control me (to this day) said that I should let him be. Laissez-faire. I said nothing then turned around and went to the men's room.
As I was standing in front of the urinal taking my well needed piss I began laughing uncontrollably to myself. I had trouble aiming (the "s"-force). The dudes on either side of me probably thought I wasn't well. I was a hysterical warn out mess (nothing has changed). I thought, what were the other ladies in the restroom thinking when they heard him piss? It's a different sound, a stronger sound, than a woman's trickle.
Other questions:
I zipped up and washed up and headed to the main area in the rest stop. There stood younger bro, quite embarrassed and dejected. I, of course, kept laughing. Younger bro was already a shy kid but this really broke him. He didn't see the humor in there. An old lady walked by and he, being upset and embarrassed, told me that she was in there. He was actually trying to hide and not be noticed. This made me laugh harder. That poor woman I thought.
As far as the specific details of this incident goes - like what really happened inside - it remains unclear. Younger bro refused to disclose information. I can't remember if we told the old man. This may have relieved the tension (at least for me) for the remaining five or six hours.
This was around '96 or '97, around the time the Bulls beat the Jazz in the NBA championships, not that the basketball stuff relates to the story about to be shared, but I just thought of it now. We took a road trip out to Colorado. This involved me, my younger bro, and my old man. It was in a silver oldsmobile. There was a lot of subtle provoking, tension from me and bro, and occasional shouts of anger from my old man. Dealing with a 2 day drive (one-way) is enough to handle but we tried to make it worse. If there are two things I excel in, it's pushing buttons and picking an argument. Those things go well with road trips as I found out. I'm quite amazed we weren't dropped off somewhere in between or just shot on the side of the road.
((This is one of millions of reasons why I will not pro-create. Sorry humanity))
On the return drive, after being on the road for probably around thirty hours (Denver to central Ohio) we pulled off at a rest stop. We were all emotionally warn out (as we always were in the family) but also physically exhausted. We needed a break and a stretch of the legs. All of us had to pee. Of course.
Younger bro walked into the rest stop, quickly and ahead of me, but not far ahead. This was a normal American highway rest stop, very concrete, with bathrooms inside. These bathrooms specified where each gender should go with clearly written signs. One of the signs said "men" and the other said "women". Naturally.
As we got inside I noticed younger bro making a b-line for the Ladies room. We were all tired as stated above and our judgements were clouded. For the record, we were straight-edge (if you're keeping track). He may have been five feet in front of me or less. I looked at the sign. I looked at his back as he was getting closer to the wide opened entrance. My mouth opened to warn him, but the dark voices that control me (to this day) said that I should let him be. Laissez-faire. I said nothing then turned around and went to the men's room.
As I was standing in front of the urinal taking my well needed piss I began laughing uncontrollably to myself. I had trouble aiming (the "s"-force). The dudes on either side of me probably thought I wasn't well. I was a hysterical warn out mess (nothing has changed). I thought, what were the other ladies in the restroom thinking when they heard him piss? It's a different sound, a stronger sound, than a woman's trickle.
Other questions:
- Did he wash up in there next to an old lady?
- Did he run into anyone in there?
- Did they see how his feet were facing the toilet?
- Did they call security?
- When did it occur to him he was peeing in the ladies room?
I zipped up and washed up and headed to the main area in the rest stop. There stood younger bro, quite embarrassed and dejected. I, of course, kept laughing. Younger bro was already a shy kid but this really broke him. He didn't see the humor in there. An old lady walked by and he, being upset and embarrassed, told me that she was in there. He was actually trying to hide and not be noticed. This made me laugh harder. That poor woman I thought.
As far as the specific details of this incident goes - like what really happened inside - it remains unclear. Younger bro refused to disclose information. I can't remember if we told the old man. This may have relieved the tension (at least for me) for the remaining five or six hours.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Back to Basics
Dainty Bones hasn't blogged in a while due to self inflicted drama and histrionics concerning a few issues and personal lifestyle choices. Approaches need to be re-evaluated. This will be an introspective blog. If you don't like those kind of blogs then go somewhere else. If you do like these kind of blogs then you probably have a more pathetic life than I do. To each 'is own.
When your locked into an approach as I am, judgement is sometimes clouded. DB's approach has always been about simplicity, instant gratification, self-interest (not rational),compulsion, honesty, and non violence. Some of those values are good, others can be dangerous. There has been little planning really. There has been no thought of future, health, finances, or anything. A few things recently happened that, unwillingly, messed with my head and, at least for now, and have caused me to reconsider the approach. These things, and they are just things, not people, seemed to bring out an ugly somewhat unstable side of my being I've been successfully suppressing for a while.
I've always pretended to not really care. I've really worked at being cold and sterile and pushing that vibe. Not the most mature way to go about things (most get over that in high school I think), but it seemed to work. For some time I've put up some pretty good barriers that in a way have locked me in. This has crippled me in some aspects of my life. A few months ago, I would that say that's helped me a lot, but I'm not sure anymore.
Yes, it seems even laughing things off gets old and pathetic after awhile. I mean I still laugh at my strong social weaknesses and blatant awkwardness around friends/women, but even this has become too strong to ignore. Laughing can only kill the so much of the pain, so you try other things, that, in the long run are harmful and even draining. If you will. The market eventually corrects itself, things either become more sustainable or they collapse.
So, at least mentally, I've given this more thought. The whole outlook on things. Inside I've really had a tough time seeing value in anything, but something kind of changed that (at least at this second). If there is no value in anything then there is nothing to worry about, but if there is, life gets hard, decisions need to be made, sleeping till 1pm on the weekends, eating out all the time, and "partying" all begin to be questioned.
For the few that read this, as you're wiping your tears of joy away for me, nothing has changed yet. My other large flaw is that I can really talk a good game but when it comes to backing it up, I'm just not there. Time is the test. There are a lot of things and thoughts that arise in the life of DaintyBones. Simply feeling good is hard to resist. Let's see what happens.
It's good to go back to basics.
When your locked into an approach as I am, judgement is sometimes clouded. DB's approach has always been about simplicity, instant gratification, self-interest (not rational),compulsion, honesty, and non violence. Some of those values are good, others can be dangerous. There has been little planning really. There has been no thought of future, health, finances, or anything. A few things recently happened that, unwillingly, messed with my head and, at least for now, and have caused me to reconsider the approach. These things, and they are just things, not people, seemed to bring out an ugly somewhat unstable side of my being I've been successfully suppressing for a while.
I've always pretended to not really care. I've really worked at being cold and sterile and pushing that vibe. Not the most mature way to go about things (most get over that in high school I think), but it seemed to work. For some time I've put up some pretty good barriers that in a way have locked me in. This has crippled me in some aspects of my life. A few months ago, I would that say that's helped me a lot, but I'm not sure anymore.
Yes, it seems even laughing things off gets old and pathetic after awhile. I mean I still laugh at my strong social weaknesses and blatant awkwardness around friends/women, but even this has become too strong to ignore. Laughing can only kill the so much of the pain, so you try other things, that, in the long run are harmful and even draining. If you will. The market eventually corrects itself, things either become more sustainable or they collapse.
So, at least mentally, I've given this more thought. The whole outlook on things. Inside I've really had a tough time seeing value in anything, but something kind of changed that (at least at this second). If there is no value in anything then there is nothing to worry about, but if there is, life gets hard, decisions need to be made, sleeping till 1pm on the weekends, eating out all the time, and "partying" all begin to be questioned.
For the few that read this, as you're wiping your tears of joy away for me, nothing has changed yet. My other large flaw is that I can really talk a good game but when it comes to backing it up, I'm just not there. Time is the test. There are a lot of things and thoughts that arise in the life of DaintyBones. Simply feeling good is hard to resist. Let's see what happens.
It's good to go back to basics.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Break Coming Up
I have a break coming up. Much needed. Things have been completely out of whack for awhile. I think I'm going to be going through a big change soon but I don't know what. I'm very irratable these days. I need to find new amusements, the current ones are getting old. Music remains enjoyable though.
Things generally seem miserable. I need to take a trip and get out of town. Previous decisions are catching up with me. I'm watching more television these days. I can't remember the last time I was physically active. Sleep is safe. The bright spots in my life might be turning sour. It's my own doing.
I continue to feed my face. Good tasting food is a plus.
Things generally seem miserable. I need to take a trip and get out of town. Previous decisions are catching up with me. I'm watching more television these days. I can't remember the last time I was physically active. Sleep is safe. The bright spots in my life might be turning sour. It's my own doing.
I continue to feed my face. Good tasting food is a plus.
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